S&T Hamtaro: The One and Only Psychotic Baby!
by Stuff Gal
Summary: It's a very normal day in the Sick and Twisted Hamtaro world, Boss on Prozac, Pashmina stating the obvious, and so forth. But, one day, Bijou disappears, and is nowhere to be found. Once she comes back, though, she has a little surprise in a big way...
1. Normal Day

Hmm…the introduction was rather squishy. But believe me, this one won't be squishy!! At least, not in my opinion…so, yeah!! My first even SLIGHTLY dramatic S&T Hamtaro story!!! How ha-pi!!! ^_^  What is there to say? Well…STUFF!!! Now read, neehee…

Disclaimer: How much wood could a wood chuck chuck if a wood chuck could chuck wood? Oh, yeah, and I don't own Hamtaro. 

Warning: You…probably noticed this isn't G rated. You probably also noticed this is called "Sick and Twisted Hamtaro". Kindly do the math and notice that this story, and all in its series, are not cute and fluffy like the ones on TV.  So there. I warned you. I won't tolerate any flames upon this subject because of your stupidity to read this even after I warned you. 

Yet another author note before you read on your merry way: I recommend that you read my "Sick and Twisted Hamtaro" story before you read this. Or else you won't get why everyone's acting so…well, so quirky. 

:)          ;)         :P      ~_^         ^_^         ^-^       

"Bye, Hamtaro, I'm off to school!!" Laura said, very happy. She looked down to the cage by her feet, and saw Hamtaro dragging himself out, to say goodbye to her. 

"Hamtaro…you don't look so good. What's got you so worn out?" Laura asked, noticing how unusually puckered out her hamster seemed. He immediately perked his head up and smiled.

"Heke?"

"Must've been imagining things…" She looked down once more. Hamtaro just cocked his head in a cute manner.

"Well, as I was saying, I'm off to school!! See ya' later!!" And with that, Laura exited her room.     

Hamtaro just sat down and crossed his paws.

"Why do I go there anyway? A few weeks have already passed, and they're still not any better!!" he just sighed.

"Well…I'm off…" he reluctantly made his way out. Soon, Hamtaro reached the door to the clubhouse. 

"At least it can't get any worse…" Hamtaro said to himself, reaching for the doorknob. 

"Oh, yes it can…" cackled an evil-sounding voice in his head. 

"LALALA!! I'M NOT LISTENING! I'M NOT LISTENING!!!!!!!" he loudly sang out, as he covered his ears.

**Sick and Twisted Hamtaro: The One and Only Psychotic Baby!**

****

Hamtaro slowly uncovered his ears. 

"MWAHAHA!! I'M STILL HERE!!!!!" yelled the evil voice.

"EEEEEEEEEYYYYYYYYAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!" screamed Hamtaro

"It doesn't matter, I'm just warning you…" 

"If I'm supposed to be the only sane one, what am I doing talking with the voices in my head?"

"I'm INTUITION, dammit!"

"No you're not…"

"Am SO!!"

And so, while Hamtaro was arguing with that voice-

"INTUITION!!!! IN-TU-I-TION!!!"

…was arguing with his INTUITION…

"Much better."

…things were happening at the clubhouse. Boss was eating some Prozac, Pashmina was stating the obvious, Panda was preparing to rob somebody, Howdy and Dexter were gambling…you know, the usual. 

Jingle was in the study (even if the clubhouse doesn't really have a study, well, it has one now!!), writing. 

"Lalala, a dabble of ink here, doo doo doot, some writing there, lululu, Excel, dadada, stuff, Ri-ki-do, Ri-ki-do, I'm three days past the deadline…" sang Jingle to himself. It wasn't one of his best songs, but hey, whatever floats his boat. 

"Hell-o, Jingle…" Bijou greeted, standing in the open doorway of the study. 

"Hello, Bijou…" he replied, continuing to write. 

"How's about we make some poetry toge-zether, eh, Shingle?" Bijou asked, in her sluttiest manner. 

"Sure, why not?" he answered, unaware that Bijou's poetry and his poetry were two different things. Bijou just giggled her trademark prostitute giggle, before rushing to Jingle and closing the door on the way. 

"W-W-WHAT ARE DOING!?" asked a surprised Jingle. 

"Poetry, of course!" Bijou answered.

"Oh yeah…poetry…" he responded. He sounded as if he really believed that was Bijou's way of artistic expression. And I guess it was, in a way. 

Sandy stood just outside of the study's door, astonished. She heard everything, despite the door being closed. She sighed, then sat next to Boss.

"You gonna share some?" she asked. Boss looked at her, through tears, for a moment, before handing her a bottle of Prozac. 

Meanwhile, Hamtaro finally came to a decision.

"I'M GOIN' IN!!!" he yelled, while standing up. 

"Okay, but don't say I didn't warn you…" responded his intuition.

"I don't care!" he yelled back, heading to the doorknob. Hamtaro opened the door and stepped inside.

"Hamha!" he greeted. Some of the Ham-Hams looked at him for a moment, before returning to what it was that they were doing. Hamtaro saw that the door to the study was closed. 

"I wonder why…" he began, heading towards the study, to open its door. He suddenly felt something wrap around his tail, stopping him from going any further. 

"Like, you better SO not go in there!" Sandy yelled to him from behind. Her ribbon was what stopped him. 

"Um…why?"

"Like, isn't it so obvious?" 

"…no…"

"Bijou and Jingle in there? Ring any bells?"

"Um…"

"You know…doing IT?"

"I'm not catching on…"

"Like, do I need to draw pictures, or what?"

"Please do…"

Sandy slapped her face.

"You know…like, a snake in the grass?"

"Bijou is deceiving Jingle?"

"No…"

"Jingle deceiving Bijou?"

"No, no…like, you know, like…the meat part of a pig in a blanket, going into its blanket?"

"Um…" Hamtaro responded, with a big sweatdrop. Sandy took out a megaphone and yelled into it, 

"THEY ARE MAKING LOVE!!! L-O-V-E! LLLLOOOOOOOOOOOOVVVVVVVVVVEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!! WHICH IS WHAT THEY ARE MAKING!!"

"Making love? Like…sexual intercourse?"

"Like, DUH!" 

"Ooohhh…well, I didn't need to know that…"

"Glad I, like, stopped you from going in there, huh?"

"Y-yeah…" he shivered. Sandy returned to the table and continued on her Prozac.

"Hmm…this place needs some pepping up!!" Hamtaro thought.

"Hey you guys!" he yelled, "let's have some fun, eh?" Everyone looked at him. 

"Sorry, but Howdy and I are a bit busy…" Dexter said, he and Howdy holding playing cards in their hands. 

"Like, I just came out of the closet, you know?" Sandy stated.

"*sob!*" cried Boss.

"Erm…I have other plans…" said Panda, while preparing some pantyhose to put over his head. 

"Ooo, Hamtaro just asked something naughty!!" Pashmina stated, perhaps not as obviously as she thought it was. 

"You guys think I'm trying to do THAT!?!" yelled Hamtaro. Everyone nodded. 

"D'oh!" cried out Hamtaro, slapping his face with his paws. 

"Hey, Hamtaro, wanna play cards?" Oxnard asked, between bites, while holding a deck of cards in his paw. 

"Sure!" answered Hamtaro. They found a nice space on the floor, and set the cards up. Oxnard spread out a few sunflower seeds in front of him, and began dealing. 

-Sometime later-

"THE FISH WILL BITE YOU!!! BITE YOU, I SAY!!!!!!!" Oxnard yelled, putting down some cards on the floor.

"Oh yeah? Well, I say, THE TINY POTATO HAS AN AFRO AND A SMALL PAIR OF WINGS!!!! So, top that." replied Hamtaro, a big grin on his face. He also set down some cards. 

"Oh, you sure make this hard…" responded Oxnard, beginning to chew on a seed to help him think. 

Suddenly, big 'SLAM!' was heard. All the Ham-Hams looked in the direction of the noise to see that it was someone opening the door, apparently with so much excitement, that it slammed. 

"*huff* Oh, Shingle, *hiff* zat waz zzzoooooooo *huff* good!!" Bijou commented, while panting. She was sweating a bit, too. Hamtaro immediately covered his ears. 

"Don't KNOW!! Don't WANNA know!!!" he screamed. Everyone turned and looked at him. 

***

By the time it was the "Reflections" part of the day (you know…where Laura writes in her diary?), Hamtaro was twitching. But that was normal, by now. 

"Guess what, Hamtaro? Today was really boring!!" Laura informed, in an excited manner. She continued writing in her diary. 

"Everyone just acted like normal. Kana was very Kana, June was very June, Kylie was very Kylie, Glitter was very Glitter, and…"

"And what?" Hamtaro asked, in his head.

"And Travis was very…*sigh*…perfect…*sigh*…dreamy…*sigh*…handsome…*sigh* oh, Travis…*siiiiiiiiigh*"

"Today was also pretty uneventful…" Hamtaro began, in his head, "I mean, uneventful in the way that Howdy and Dexter still gamble, Panda still robs, Boss is still depressed…" he took a moment from his thinking to grab a sunflower seed Laura was giving him, "…and Bijou still likes Jingle. Today, I learned a few metaphors about how to say, 'sexual intercourse', but nothing too big about the whole Bijou and Jingle thing…" 

With that last sentence, Hamtaro dropped his seed as a large shiver went up his spine.

"I'm baaaaaack…" said his "INTUITION"

"Hey, what's with the quotes?"

Nothing, nothing…

"Today was a good day, and tomorrow will be even better, donchya think, little guy?" Laura asked, closing her diary and smiling at her hamster.

"H-heke?" Hamtaro asked, still shaken up by that sudden chill.

************************************************************************

END CHAPTER ONE

************************************************************************

What better way to end chapter one than with the end of the day, eh? Some of you probably guessed what'll happen, but oh well. I'll try and get chapter two ASAP, that I will!!! It's not too dramatic now, but as many of my S&T Hamtaro goes, it starts off a fundamentally normal way, then gets S&T, then gets dramatic. But, it won't loose its funniness, that's for sure!! People who know everything of what'll happen, don't spoil it in the reviews, because some people are quite touchy about that. S'all for now!! Look out for chapter two!! See ya'!!! ^_^

Oh, by the way, did any of you think of the "Moulin Rouge" when reading that whole 'poetry' bit in this fic.? I sure did. Well, bye for real now!!!! -^_^-


	2. Here is thy disclaimer: I don't own Rose...

Chapter TTTTTWWWWWWWWWWWWOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!! FI-NA-LLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLYYYYY!!!!!!!! WOOOOOOOOOOOOOO-HOOO!!! DA-DOOOOOOOO!!!...and, that's a wrap!! ^_^ What did I just say? No meaning, of course! Just read, and stuff! :)

Warning: You…probably noticed this isn't G rated. You probably also noticed this is called "Sick and Twisted Hamtaro". Kindly do the math and notice that this story, and all in its series, are not cute and fluffy like the ones on TV.  So there. I warned you. I won't tolerate any flames upon this subject because of your stupidity to read this even after I warned you. 

Yet another author note before you read on your merry way: I recommend that you read my "Sick and Twisted Hamtaro" story before you read this. Or else you won't get why everyone's acting so…well, so quirky. 

Disclaimer: She sells sea shells by the seashore. I don't own Hamtaro. 

%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

A few days after this one day, Bijou wasn't to be found. She wasn't coming to the clubhouse. Nobody could get into her house, or see into it, since the window and curtains were closed. 

"WAAAH!! MY BIJOU!!!!" cried Boss.   

"Aw, there, there, Boss-man, I'm sure she's all right…!" Hamtaro responded, trying to comfort him.

"How can you be so sure!?"

"Um…intuition?"

"Oh, so now you remember I exist!" interrupted Hamtaro's intuition. 

"WAAH!! You scared me!!"

Boss looked at Hamtaro in a puzzled way. 

"Is he OK?" Boss asked himself, watching Hamtaro jumping around, hitting himself in the head, and yelling about…something.

"I think you ought to be more worried about Hamtaro, than Bijou…" replied Boss's intuition.

"BIJOU COMES FIRST!!" he yelled. All the other ham-hams who were present, except for Hamtaro, inched away.  

***

A few weeks later, all the Ham-Hams were sitting around, acting normal as possible. Boss was in a state of depression…I mean, he always is, but this time because Bijou isn't there. Jingle was also not there. Sandy was sad, because she hadn't anybody to admire. Well, to make a long story shorter, everybody was acting a little more depressed than usual, except for Pashmina, who was just stating the obvious. 

And yet, the answer to everyone's Bijou question came. She came all right, but with a little something…oh, hell, she had a baby with her. 

Soon, everybody was crowding around Bijou, cooing at the baby.

"Say, what's her name?" Hamtaro asked. Bijou just shrugged her shoulders. 

"Like, who's baby is it?" Sandy asked, smiling at the adorable little baby cute hamster kid. Bijou just smiled. 

"Mine, ov course!" she replied. Hamtaro gasped. Everyone looked at him funny. 

"Why isn't that strange?" he asked, noticing those looks. 

"Hmm, could it be, because, oh, I dunno, she has sex with just about every guy Ham she sees?" Panda sarcastically questioned. 

"Okay then…who's the father?" 

"Well…the last one I did it with was…hmm…Jingle!" 

"She does sorta look like him…" added Howdy. 

"She vill open her eyes zoon!" happily stated Bijou. Everyone cutely gasped. 

"So what about her name, anyways?" Hamtaro asked. 

"Oh, I don't know!" Bijou replied, in a happy, excited way.

"Maybe you should name her after her first words!" suggested Boss. The baby was too cute for even Boss to be depressed. He looked at her face and smiled. She had white fur, like her mom, but brown markings, like Jingle. Except they were a bit more faded. And her right ear was white. 

"Vat do you mean?" 

"Well…" he replied, beginning a flashback. 

******BEGIN FLASHBACK******

Boss is only a little baby, with one front tooth.

Boss: "Bath! Bath!" 

Boss's dad: "Hmm…'Bath' isn't a very good baby name…"

Boss's mom: "I kinda like it!" 

Boss's dad: "…for a guy…"

Boss's mom: "Fine then! How about 'Boss' for 'Bath', eh?"

Boss's dad: "Okay!" 

******END FLASHBACK*********

"…so that's what happened." finished Boss.

"Hmm…I zee…" replied Bijou, "…if it iz zomezing good, zat vill be her name!"  

The baby began to rub her eyes a bit. She turned her head a bit, facing a wall. At first, it was just a tiny squint. As her eyes were just about to fully open, a window seemed to materialize at the wall she was looking at. 

When she was ready to see the first thing of her life, a human baby became magically small enough, and apparently was underground, to peek inside the window. But, it wasn't just any baby. It was Rosemary's chi- cough- I mean, it was a psychotic baby. When it peered through the window, the blood and psychotic effects were all there. 

"EEEEEEEEEEEE!" yelled the baby.

"Hm? Vat iz it?" asked Bijou. The baby waved her paw in the direction of the window, and uttered the words,

"Ps-psychotic Baby." A dramatic moment indeed. 

Anyways, when Bijou and the others looked over there, the baby and window had already disappeared. They looked back to the baby. 

But, she wasn't the most adorable thing ever, not anymore, nope. She was so scared, her fur was really spiked up, all over. And for having her first sight be such a horrible thing, her eyes became big and wide, bulgy, like a "Simpsons" character.    

"Psychotic baby…geez…advanced vocabulary…"  Dexter commented, not wanting to comment on this new appearance. 

"Hmm…Psychotic Baby…Psychotic…Baby…Psy…cho…tic…Ba…by…Zat'll be her name!!" declared Bijou. 

"Are you, like, sure?" asked Sandy. Bijou nodded. 

Unfortunately for Psychotic Baby, Bijou didn't try and be polite as Dexter tried being. 

"Who wants to give her a sibling? Eh? Eh? Anybody??" Bijou asked. 

"HEY! BIJOU!!!" Hamtaro yelled, shocked at Bijou's behavior.

The Ham-Hams soon left poor Psychotic Baby alone, to go and do whatever it is that they usually do. 

"Heke? Why did everyone leave?" she asked. She looked around the clubhouse. No one seemed to care at all. She looked to her mom. Also didn't care. And where was her father in all this? Did he care even less than her mom did? 

Psychotic Baby sat down. 

"Why am I being outcasted? What's so wrong with…me…?" She questioned, beginning to cry. Still, no one even batted an eye to her direction. 

Psychotic Baby wiped away a few tears as she got up and walked over to sit in a corner. If nobody seemed to see her, she felt no reason to sit in the middle of the room, like an idiot. 

"Am I *sob* am I so…so *sob* horrible? Why *sniff* why's everyone…" she cried. She looked around. The only one not seeming to have any fun at all was herself. 

"I must be worthless…" she commented. Before Psychotic Baby could think anymore, she heard something. She listened closer. 

It was music. Some of the most beautiful music she'd ever heard. And it sounded like it was getting closer. 

"Wow…it's so…wonderful…" she whispered to herself. For a few moments, she forgot all about everything else. 

"Like it?" asked a deep voice. 

"Huh?" 

She looked up. It was a hamster she'd never seen before, one with a brown back and ears, purple mohawk, and a red guitar.     

"It's not finished, though…" 

She was in too much shock to even answer. Someone could_ see her?  _

"I decided coming here was the most important thing I had to do."

"Wh-why?" 

"Because, I heard someone special was going to come here." 

"If you're going to see someone special, why are you hanging around with me?"

"And if that special someone is you?"

"Oh, no it can't possibly be-"

Jingle set down his guitar and embraced Psychotic Baby. 

"I can't miss out on the chance of seeing my only daughter for the first time, now can I?" 

"Dau…ght…er?" she slowly asked. Despite the question, she knew quite well that Jingle was her father. And she was quite happy about this. A few tears trickled down her cheeks, as she hugged her father in return.

"It's great song. I was thinking of how great my daughter would be when I wrote this. And I think that such a great song fits you just perfectly." Jingle commented, as he began playing the song again. Psychotic Baby just smiled and listened. She fell asleep on his shoulder as he finished playing the last notes of what he had already written…

***

***

***

******EPILOGUE*******

"Like it? I wrote it a little while back." said Jingle. Psychotic Baby nodded. 

Just then, Boss was passing by, carrying a new bottle of Prozac. 

"Ah, can you hold on just a sec., Dad? There's something I need to take care of…" Psychotic Baby asked. 

"Sure!" responded Jingle. She just grinned evilly. 

"Okay…" 

Psychotic Baby dashed up to Boss, and whisked away his Prozac. 

"Ak! Give that back!!" 

"Heheheh…" Boss started running after her. She just ran away, into the bathroom. 

"No…you wouldn't…" She just gave another evil grin…

FLUSH!! 

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!" 

"Bwahaha!!" 

Soon, Psychotic Baby was known for being quite evil amongst the Hams. She'd do stuff like hanging a knife just inches from Maxwell's reach (remember, he's suicidal), or destroying Boss's Prozac, or teasing Hamtaro when he'd least need it. But the one Ham-Ham she'd really look out for was Bijou. Whenever she would get into a situation where Psychotic Baby would get a sibling, Psychotic Baby would interfere and knock Bijou into tomorrow. 

Nobody, except for Bijou, really had to worry much, though. Psychotic Baby would always hang out with her dad, anyway, and would only bother somebody whenever she got annoyed by them. 

************************************************************************

END OF 

SICK AND TWISTED HAMTARO: THE ONE AND ONLY PSYCHOTIC BABY! 

************************************************************************

D'oh! I had an idea, but when I was about to write this, I, like, lost it!! So, it's not as good as I had planned. Oh, well. But, now, Coconut, you see why PB always hangs out with Jingle. Hmm…okay, stuff. POOF! 


End file.
